“I gave what I gave”

I cannot believe that it’s 1 AM and I’m up, writing this and crying while doing it. It has to be the PMS. Or maybe I just feel like shit. Probably both. Crying has always made me feel weak.  Through the hard times, when mom got sick or when they wouldn’t stop fighting, I would always be the one with dry eyes. I would always be the one who would try to stay strong by not giving in, by not showing anyone or anything that they have affected my emotions. I was always the one who had to be there for my brother and make sure that I didn’t cry when he was in tears. Crying and me have never been friends.

But who makes me cry? Who makes me feel like the future is nonexistant? Him. I swear to god, I love him. It’s scary. It’s terrible, it’s something I’ve never experienced before, it’s beautiful. I’m not scared to say this. I’m not in fear of what that word means. I know that it’s a big word. I know that people throw it around all the time. People love things, people love hate, people love anyone that makes them feel good about themselves for a couple of seconds. But I’m not just any other person. I would never tell someone that I loved them unless I thought it through, unless every fiber of my being thought that this was true. What is love? Love is being able to fight and make up. Love is finding someone just as weird or crazy as you and live with each other’s mutual weirdness. Love is looking into the other person’s eyes and knowing that you would do anything to make that moment last forever. Love is caring for the other person, helping them, being willing to look at not only the great things about them but their flaws–and still being with them.

I love him. I told him and he couldn’t say it back like I thought he would. It made me step back and re-evaluate things. I wanted to hide, I wanted to never see him again because of the embarrassment–the rejection. It felt like a rejection. But later on I realized that I couldn’t rush it. I couldn’t make him say it, I couldn’t make him admit to anything. He has to do it all on his own. But the thing that really hurts me is that I know him. I know his nature. I know how he is. And I know with certainty that by the time he realizes that he felt the same–it’ll be too late. I think deep inside, he knows. Sometimes I feel it. Sometimes I just feel lust. Lately I’ve become more and more annoyed with the fact that the more you give, the more men want. Why can’t you have love and lust and not inter exchange one for the other? People tell me, “he’ll say it when he’s ready” but the truth of the matter is, I don’t think he thinks he’ll ever be ready.

I love that we’re like best friends. I love that we can tell each other anything without embarrassment, that we can tell each other sick jokes and everything. But I’m starting to feel like we’re a joke. That we’re boyfriend and girlfriend but only as an illusion. I feel that I’m more committed to this than I thought…that I’m more serious than he is. Sometimes I think that he thinks about the future, that I’m in it. That he has no doubt in his mind that we’ll last. And then I laugh because I know, realistically, it can’t happen. I have a feeling that after college starts we’re going to start going our separate ways. That I’m going to be more into it that he’s going to be and that I’m just going to be the girlfriend that comes to visit every now and again and that you like to mess around with. I know I can’t tell the future. Maybe I am being a bit pessimistic and reading too much into this. I don’t know. All I know is that the tears keep falling as I write this. All I know is that right now, at this moment, I’m not happy. I’ve been before but right now, I’m just not.

He just doesn’t know when to be serious at the right time. He doesn’t know when the laughing is done and when I’m serious about something. I love that we can joke around but sometimes the romance is lacking. He can be so romantic if he wanted to. Perhaps it’s too much to expect from a guy, I don’t know. But why does it have to be that way? I’m not asking for candy or flowers. I’m not asking for candlight dinners or anything like that. All I was hoping for was that he would sing me something beautiful. That’s all. Something that was real. Something authentic. Something that exposed him like I’ve exposed my heart. I want him to FEEL. I want him to not to be afraid to feel. I’m done exposing myself. I expected too much, it’s that simple. For someone as realistic as myself, for someone who doesn’t hope because all life does is disappoint you, or if not, take away–I just expected and I got the result: disappointment. I’ve jumped too many times and dove in too much.

I’m drowning now. One day, he’s going to look back on this and realize that he should have taken a risk. He should have taken his chance. I know that he’s going to regret it. I, I have no regrets, cause “I gave what I gave.”

“Whatever tomorrow brings, I’ll be there…” [Memories]

[Memories]

1-A midnight thunderstorm, us running hand-in-hand in the rain after hours of dancing at that club. You gave me your shirt to cover myself so I wouldn’t get too cold like the night before when you weren’t there. The others were far ahead of us and we walked on the opposite side of the road. A week of you and me, a week of no one else–a week in paradise. Paradise, three hours away from home and just after graduation. I remember that the sides of the streets were almost flooded and every car that passed by would splash us, no matter how far away from the edge we got. My foot slipped out of my flip-flop, and you kissed me in the rain while we got soaked. You held me close to you. We held each other in our soaking wet clothes. It was slightly sloppy, our wet lips and faces slipping, but who cared? It felt better than those kisses in the movies. It was a real kiss.

2-Our first date. The entire time I was sitting in that movie theater, I couldn’t stop thinking about how much I wanted you to kiss me. You didn’t. But it was okay, cause later that night you gave me a brief goodbye kiss. Brief because my mother was looking out the window at us. I came in with a smile that night that I couldn’t erase.

3-When I first started talking to you, we talked for hours. I stayed up until 2 AM talking to you online even though I knew I shouldn’t, I had class the next day and of course there was the situation where she use to like you. Those were the times where I was in denial; kept telling myself that I couldn’t possibly have thought about you in “that way” that you were just a friend. A good friend who every time that I saw you sign on or walk into class late, made my heart jump a little.

4-We walked down the hallways together. Sometimes we held hands, most times we didn’t. We didn’t have to. You’d always keep a smile on my face. The days that you weren’t there to give me our regular kiss goodbye by that first stairwell in the basement, my day felt empty. You would kiss me goodbye after-school by the locker I stole from my brother. Sometimes we’d give each other another one, just because I couldn’t stand the thought of leaving with just one.

5-The days where I liked you and you liked me but no one had said anything. In class, you’d get in trouble for talking with me–with your favorite teacher. We would fool around and joke constantly, laughing at the most idiotic things. I remember how you sat in front of me and you would turn around to talk with me and my eyes couldn’t get off of yours. When I saw you move your body and turn towards me, I couldn’t help but feel a rush.

6-New Years Eve. You mentioned the fireworks in the harbor, but you didn’t ask me to go with you. Later on you admitted that you chickened out. But it’s OK, I was sick anyway. That was just about the most miserable New Year’s Eve ever. My nose was stuffy, my throat was killing me–and I wanted to be the one you would kiss when the clock struck midnight. I sent you, just you that text that read “Happy New Years” and that’s when you knew that I was it. You were the only one I was thinking about at that exact moment.

7-School trip. It was that awkward period again, I like you and you like me. I sat down next to you on the light rail ride downtown on purpose. During the trip, we’d “accidentally” lose the others and walk together through the dark aquarium exhibits. We would listen to our teacher drone on about nothing, and stand in silence-in understanding. You followed me everywhere then, and that’s when I realized that maybe we are more than just friends. Took me long enough.

8-Our friend’s birthday party right before Christmas. You were suppose to give me a ride there, but I got one from my friend instead since she lived closer. You got there late and when you did, I was the happiest person in the room. But when you came to sit down next to me, she sent you away. Maybe she was jealous, bitter, I don’t know. You walked back to the other end of the table. I remember looking at you from across the large tables put together in Pizza Hut, and you had the most miserable look on your face. I felt so bad. I felt so angry that you “couldn’t” sit next to me. Later at the end of the night, you gave me a hug goodbye. That was the first time that we ever touched. I loved that hug. And as I drove away in the parking lot and you were standing there next to your car, ready to take others to the movie that I couldn’t go to, I saw you looking at me. You had your keys in your right hand and that black Metallica shirt and the parking lot lights hit you.

9-Graduation. We were on opposite sides of the stadium. I smiled at you as we walked out onto the stage. You smiled back.

10-Prom night. During the slow dances, it was just you and me. I rested my head on your shoulder and shut my eyes. Still remember your smell.

11-Back to that week of bliss. We were standing at the pier at night, me in front of you. You had your arms around me and your chin resting on my shoulder. We stared out onto the beach and the dark water.

12-Same week. We would lay on the beach. You had your arms around me.

13-Same week again. I had my clothes on in the beach cause I didn’t feel like swimming. You were boogy boarding and came running to me from the water and soaked me. I pretended to be mad and then threw myself into the water. You chased me around the beach and we walked back to the hotel together, me wrapped in your towel, shivering until you put your arm around me.

14-I had on that red dress with the flowers and just came out of the shower. My hair was still wet, you came up to me, kissed me and told me that I smelled so good and looked beautiful.

15-Teenage cliche. Out at the quarry, nighttime. We stood outside of your car and kissed. I had my back leaning against the back of the car and you lifted me up.

16-Playing soccer on a field together at twilight. You threw me down on the itchy grass but I didn’t care. Your kisses were my drug.

“…you stand at the crossroads of highroads and lowroads…”

So….I got tired of livejournal and xanga has been dead for years, so I decided to get a wordpress blog. Let’s see how this one goes and if I’ll actually write in it, haha.

Writing: I’ve finally started writing again. Shocker! I can’t ever keep away from it, but this time there was a pretty long time period where wrote nothing but a few miscreant poems here and there. And a lot of those poems were deleted in a fury of anger due to um, who they were written about. Even emptied my never-emptied recycling bin. I regret erasing them now. I really thought that I had given up on writing for a long time. I haven’t finished writing a story since “Dust” re-named “fairy Dust” and that was a long time ago.

Hopefully, I’ll use my time the rest of the summer to write. Hopefully finish a story maybe? Move-in Day is on August 23rd….the days until college starts are dwindling! I’m pretty excited.

Romance: Still falling. And it’s terrible, frightening, great, and wonderful at the same time. And then it sucks. I dunno.